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I love teen movies. I love them like aging, horny house wives love Fifty Shades of Grey. I love them like fifteen year olds love to smoke cigarettes because they think it makes them look cool (which it totally does). I love them like the entire female gender loves Magic Mike, yet can’t tell you what the plot is. I know what you’re thinking; Hashtag NoDuh, right? I just thought it necessary to remind everyone of my qualifications for writing this phenomenal post. And it’s not only teen movies, oh no, it’s also television shows. From My So-Called Life to Pretty Little Liars. I live and die by teen culture. It’s just a fascinating time in your life that truly defines who you are as an adult, and it’s the last time when you have zero responsibility and your entire life ahead of you. And now that I’m done spewing that line of bullshit, let’s begin.

The “mean girl” is a staple of teen culture. She represents all of our insecurities and everything we wish we could be. She calls you out on all your shit and does you a huge favor by teaching you how to toughen up and deal with it. Life is not perfect. Whether it’s in high school, college, or in a real world job, there will always be someone trying to tear you down and test you. She is the mean girl, and she is a God. Sorry, do-gooding celebrities, but sometimes things don’t just “get better.” Mean girls don’t grow up…they just get older. To start off, I want to give an overview of my absolute FAVORITE mean girls throughout the years. While there’s way too many for me to fully get into, I’ll give you the cliffsnotes version.

Chris Hargensen (Carrie, 1976)

Chris is arguably the grand-mamma of all high school mean girls, brought to infamy by pulling a little tiny string that sent gallons of blood rocketing down onto the prom queen. Buxom, blonde, and sucking off the school bad boy at the drive-in in between scheming different ways to torment that loser, Carrie White, Chris is the bully you wish you had the pleasure of being picked on by. And boy was she up front and brutally honest in her bullying, from leading a parade of tampon throwing, to telling Carrie so eloquently that she “eats shit.” Hardly a Regina George-esque half a virgin, she used her sexuality to lure Billy into, not only playing a prank on Carrie, but slaughtering a slew of pigs and draining them of all their blood. How fucked up is that shit? Kill the pig, Billy. Kill the pig now! Yeah, I totally just quoted Carrie: The Musical. While 1976 was not the last time we would see Miss Hargensen (she later appeared in the 1988 stage musical, the 2002 TV remake, the 2012 stage musical revival, and is scheduled to be remade yet again in 2013), Nancy Allen’s portrayal was the definition of iconic. Like every phenomenal movie villain, she eventually had to pay for all her cruelty towards that total fug, Carrie, but her legacy will live on by the high bar set for decades of mean girls to come.

Heather Chandler (Heathers, 1988)

I know, right? What a Mega Bitch that Heather Chandler was. And yet, everyone still wanted her as a friend or a fuck. Heather Chandler ruled the halls of Westerburg High with a never-ending supply of intimidating shoulder pads, a dead-pan condescending glare, and a foul mouth that would make the filthiest of truckers blush. While she would have rather you fuck her gently with a chainsaw than be seen hanging with the geek squad, Heather was not above making sure Martha Dumptruck had enough shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks. Heather was also no dummy. She knew damn well that life was all about being seen at the right places with the right people, and wasn’t above giving a good felating to secure her spot on the fast track to the college in crowd as well while attending a Remington frat party. After all, she’s worshiped at Westerburg, and she’s only a Junior. The only sad thing about my beloved Heather Chandler is her far too short of screen time. Dead and buried less than halfway through the movie, one can only wonder what mean girl heights she would have hit if she made it to Senior year. Still, the late Kim Walker’s pitch perfect portrayal has branded Heather Chandler as one of the top teen loves of my life.

Courtney Shayne (Jawbreaker, 1999)

First, I guess, you need to know something about her. The beautiful one. The leader of the flawless four. She totally ruled. Courtney was NOT getting fucked because she was nice enough to play a clever little prank on girlfriend. But then she accidentally killed Liz…she killed the teen dream. Deal with it. I mean, it’s not her fault that Liz Purr, the very picture of teenage perfection, clearly had NO gag reflex and sucked down that jawbreaker faster than a sugar fiending fat girl on the rag. Ditching Marci “Foxy” Fox’s advice of simply grappling the jawbreaker out with eye-lash curlers, Courtney does what any fantastic best friend would. Toss the body back in bed, spread her legs, and stage a rape. Awe, I wish I had friends who would do that for me. Like any true blue mean girl, Courtney is fucking SICK at makeovers, turning Fern Fucking Mayo into a glammed up Frankenstein monster, known as Vylette, only to tear the bitch back down when she bites the hand that feeds her. But public humiliation, blackmail, and murder only scratch the surface of this Queen Bitch. Courtney was the definition of self-aware. She knows how the human mind works, making sure NEVER to eat at lunch period, even if your mother packed you a four star fucking culinary masterpiece. It only gives others ammo. And that life is all about living in the now. Dane Sanders may grow up to get married and coach little league, but she could give a shit. He’s the perfect piece of prom date nostalgia to have a yearbook photo with, and THAT is what’s important. As played by the woman who was born for the part, Rose McGowan, Courtney is the living definition of confidence and control. After all, It’s not just any mean girl who can make the captain of the football team suck off an ice pop.

Kathryn Merteuil (Cruel Intentions, 1999)

It’s not easy being the Marsha Fucking Brady of the upper-east side, but Kathryn plastered on her fake smile and secretly out loud destroyed lives while maintaining her facade as a parents’ wet dream. Unlike other high school mean girls, Kathryn mastered the art of deception. Every cruel intention her wicked little mind could conjure up would be carried out in a way that could never be traced back to her. Everybody loved her, and she intended to keep it that way. From turning the innocent, little Cecile into the premiere tramp of the New York area, to making a wager with her step-brother, Sebastian, that could end with her giving him something he’s been obsessing about ever since their parents got married. I mean, come on, she told her STEP-BROTHER he could put it ANYWHERE. That HAS to be illegal. If manipulating others and mind fucking everyone was an art, Kathryn would be the world’s most renowned artist. Completely loathing the fact that she had to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 just to be considered a lady, Kathryn made sure that, in her personal life, she made no qualms about being sexually generous…except with Sebastian. He’s just a toy. A little toy she likes to play with. And unfortunately, she doesn’t fuck losers.

Now take a good look at that list. What do you notice? That’s right, the latest characters on the list are more than a decade in the past. And I know what you’re thinking; What about Regina George from 2004’s Mean Girls? Don’t get me wrong. I love Mean Girls. It’s a fantastic movie, and Regina George is a great character. She’s just not, well, mean enough. Aside from spreading rumors and talking about people behind their backs, she never actually did anything.

I'm just sayin'... (And please ignore the grammar issues. I didn't make this, it's from the interwebs.)

Which is fine. That movie wasn’t trying to be dark and cruel (though I wouldn’t mind if it was!). The problem is, NO movie or TV show has walked down the dark side of the teen moon lately. Our society is so obsessed with the notion of high school bullying and suicide that parents have created this child-proof society where nothing bad can ever happen to their precious little angels. They can no longer be exposed to movies that might, in a way, glorify being mean. The country is filled to the brim with bubble kids who are growing up this sheltered, protected life. Kid fails a test? Call up the teacher and scream at them until they give them a passing grade. Kid gets picked on for being different? Sue the the school district and make a national issue out of it.

I’m not trying to make light of the fact that kids who get bullied have killed themselves. That’s terrible and absolutely tragic. But bullying has always been around. I got bullied in high school on a pretty regular basis for being overweight. And you know what? It made me adapt a healthier lifestyle. And while the catchphrase “it gets better” is a phenomenal thought, it’s not entirely true. There are bullies in college. There are bullies in the work place. There will ALWAYS be those people who prey on others. It’s not that things get better, it’s that, as adults, we have more control of coming in contact with these people and are more able to control our emotions and actions. Instead of protecting kids, we’re breeding them for this life where rejection and failure are non-existent. What do you think is going to happen when they get into the real world? We’re setting them up to be completely annihilated. The proverbial “mean girl” – the thing in our lives that teaches us that life isn’t fair all the time, and tells us to deal with it – is being erased from our culture.

However, I do see a light at the end of the tunnel. A bright spot that shows me that maybe it’s not too late for the mean girl to make a return to our society. Someone who gives me hope that this child-proof society doesn’t have to be permanent. And that person is….

Sadie Saxton (Awkward, 2011-present)

Dear Sadie, you are perfection. You’re welcome. Love, John.

So, this past weekend saw the release of the hotly anticipated (by me, and apparently 21 million dollars worth of other late 20s/early 30s former 90s teens) American Reunion. While the movie wasn’t absolutely perfect, it more than made up for its flaws with the nostalgic factor of spending two hours with some of  your favorite, old High School friends. I don’t know about you, but I had a group of friends in high school that we called the American Pie crew. Each one of us were able to relate to one of the four main guys in the movie. That’s right, while you women were off discussing if you were a “Samantha” or a “Carrie”, we were figuring out if we were a “Jim” or a “Finch”.  I was a “Kevin”, the self-aware, logical and realistic thinking one of the group. In Reunion, Kevin has become domesticated as he works primarily from home, watches trashy Bravo reality TV shows, and DVRs episodes of Gossip Girl. HELLO, story of my friggin life, RIGHT?!?!?! Seeing what became of these characters and hearing them reminisce about the glory days of their youth truly hit home with me, especially since it was released a week after I received a Facebook invite to join the page set-up for planning my own High School reunion this summer.

These characters, in one way or another, defined my generation, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t nearly tear up a couple times throughout the movie as I related to things they were going through and the life changes they were dealing with. Not to mention some of the subtle references to the original movie, like the same song that played when Oz smashed out Heather on the dock at the lake playing during their dance at the reunion. Perfect touch. The American Pie series was always known for its balance of gross out humor and heart and Reunion was no exception on this front. If you’re part of my generation, you owe it to yourself to see this movie. With a soundtrack filled with awesome late 90s songs and references to days where it was unheard of for average teenagers to have cell phones, it’ll make you feel old as effing dust. But, at the same time, remind you of how awesome being a teenager really was.

Does seeing everyone back together again not make you the least bit moist...in the eyes?

And now that I went and got all sentimental on y’all, let’s get down to the subject at hand. Revisiting the original American Pie. Clearly, it’s no secret that I’m thoroughly obsessed with teen movies with a special affection for every one released during my formative years of yester. But, let’s get real serious with ourselves, for every phenomenal 10 Things I Hate About You and Election, there was a less than phenomenal Eurotrip and Here on Earth. I know, right? You’re totally asking yourself, “what the hell is Here on Earth?”, to which I reply, “Exactly”. They couldn’t all be gems, now.

In 1999, the teen genre peaked with some of the best of the genre. But, aside from the occasional R rated fare like Varsity Blues, Jawbreaker, and Cruel Intentions, they were mostly fun, PG-13 flicks. That was until one little movie snuck its way into the summer blockbuster season and brought back the Porky’s-esque teen sex comedy with a vengeance. High School was R rated. We swore every chance we got and spent every available minute being obsessed with sex and American Pie knew it. It was what everyone was talking about on AIM and in the AOL chatrooms (I know, right? How ancient did I just make you feel?) and I NEEDED to see it. Having been released a week before my 15th birthday, I was obviously WAY too young to buy my own ticket to see the movie, but luckily I had a dad who said “get in the car, we’re going to the movies” without me even having to ask. Man, my poor father. Totally subjected to every and any R rated film, for better or for worse, that came out before my 17th birthday. Luckily for him, American Pie was indeed for the better.

I feel like there’s some movies you watch for the first time and right off the bat know that this is something special. Something that will age gracefully and stand the test of time. Kind of like watching Clueless or Scream for the first time. These were seminal films that started pop culture trends, yet, in the end, always out shined their many imitators. As I mentioned earlier, we used to assign characters to ourselves, which I think shows why the movie was so popular. There was a character that every person was able to relate to. I mean, come on, in the days before hours upon hours of free, streaming porn was just a mouse click away, who of us didn’t try watching the scrambled Spice channel? (Channel 71 on my local cable provider, if memory serves.) The script was funny, the direction was on the ball with comedic timing, and the actors really clicked on screen (not to mention how HOT Shannon Elizabeth and Tara Reid were…and still are). A perfect storm in making what can be considered a “classic” film.

Dear American Pie,

Beneath the pie fucking, pale ale, flutes in orifices, and MILF, there was an honesty that really captured the bonds of High School, and for that, you and your characters will forever have a place in my heart. I’m so glad we were able to get together again this past week for a well needed reunion. And if we never see each other again, just remember that I totally man-love you, bro!

Love, John.

P.S. If I didn’t make you all feel decrepitly ancient enough already, behold the original American Pie theatrical trailer!

Dear Kathryn Merteuil,

When brainstorming this amazingly brilliant idea that I had of devoting posts to my favorite teen movie villains, you were obviously the unquestionable first choice to be the H.B.I.C. (Head Bitch In Charge for those of you poor, unfortunate souls who never watched I Love New York).  In a time in teen movies where the villains were throwing drinks on the girl in paint covered overalls and forcing the quarterback to play football with a bum leg, along you came to not only turn  an innocent little twit into the premiere slut of the New York area, but also be the catalyst in the death of your step-brother through never ending lies, sexual generosity, and pretty much everything else morally bankrupt you could think of.    Not only are you super duper sexy with a beyond majestic corseted form, but you are a straight up dirty whore.  And who among us doesn’t love a straight up dirty whore?  No one, I say.  NO ONE.  Sebastian must have same sex oriented thoughts on his brain because if you were my step-sister, you better believe I would have put it anywhere…I don’t care how illegal (and morally reprehensible) it may be.

(Where the eff did those come from?  Buffy, we’re not in Sunnydale anymore!)

When you’re not spending time keeping up your phenomenal physique by burning calories as the neighborhood bicycle, you’re busy snorting blow out of a hollowed out crucifix.  How genius!  And quite possibly even more sacrilegious than Lady GaGa being molested in an orgy while wearing a nun’s habit.  And as for your motives behind why you are such a treacherously heinous villain?  Well, that’s the best part.  You don’t really have one aside from the fact that you’re a spoiled, bored bitch.  You prey on the weak and ugly for fun and use people as nothing more than meat puppets.  Hidden beneath that exterior of padded push up bras and clothing no real high schooler would ever wear lies the mentality of a man.  You let your nether region lead you off to questionable pastures and take no shame in fucking for the sake of fucking.  Not to mention that you’re able to fool everyone into thinking that you’re the Marcia FUCKING Brady of the upper east side.  You take advantage of the innocent (and quite possibly mentally handicapped in the case of Cecile) to get what you want out of life and, dammit, I’m totally jealous.  I wrote my college application essay on how I admired your ruthlessness and used you as a role model on how to get ahead in life.  My high school english teacher begged me not to send it to any colleges, but alas he was a jacktard and completely wrong because here I sit with a college degree.  I was saddened to hear in the sleazy and unnecessary (yet somehow beyond entertaining) Cruel Intentions 3 that you ended up in a methadone clinic, but that still does not dissuade my undying love for you, Ms. Merteuil.  If only for the hours upon hours of masturbatory fantasies you filled my high school years with.

Cheer, Kathryn!  You not only gave Glenn Close a run for her money, but you made coke snorting, back stabbing whores with no remorse cool again.  I <3 YOU

Love, John

P.S. You totally would have looked better driving off in that 1956 Jaguar Roadster at the end than that gremlin faced, goody two shoe pain in the ass virgin.  I’m just sayin…

Dear, the 90s

I know most people say that you brought nothing good into this world and that you were basically a waste of a good ten years and you sucked more dick than that flamboyant Jack fellow from Will & Grace, but I’m here to jump to your defense.  While, as a whole, you do rank rather high on the shit meter (and were a true let down after the awesomeness that was the 80s), I still believe there were many redeeming qualities about you that often makes me wish I could go back.  I’ve compiled my top ten things that I truly adored about you which I’ve listed after the break.

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